Man’s heart is the center of all activity. Every issue we face in life is dealt with according to our heart’s desires. Our motives, thoughts, intents, and desires proceed from our inner man — the heart. Scriptures indicate this clearly; Proverbs 4:23 tells us to, guard our heart with ALL DILIGENCE; for out of it proceed every issue of life.
I was struggling with frustration recently… and let’s be honest, frustration is rooted in anger.
I found an article in my counseling folder that helped me so much in my early days with the tremendous struggle I faced in my crumbling marriage. I must have kept it to return to often during those days of climbing out of my pit of confusion and despair. Well, it helped me today with a non-marriage issue I am facing, and I decided it may also help you or a friend who may need good advice in this area.
I recall in one of my Biblical counseling classes, a case study we reviewed which reminded me of something very useful. The example illustrated was of a distressed, frustrated young married couple. The counselor said, “Ask yourself, ‘What am I wanting so badly that I am willing to sin to get it?‘” This couple had been fighting, and they were so focused on blaming the other that divorce bombs were flying through their minds. They found themselves miserable in this self-exalting sinful behavior with no apparent way out. Oh, do I remember being stuck in that myself!
Often, we need to Step Back and look at our situation through the eyes of another. A good counselor can help us do this. Looking through a lens that removes us from the immediate pain can help us see more clearly.
A few questions…
When I experience frustration (internalized anger), I need to ask, “Why? What am I personally after here?” Then ask myself: “Do I want to glorify God in thissituation?” Wow, that sure helps me sort through the motives and desires of my heart. Ouch!
I hope you see results as you open your heart to God and ask the Holy Spirit to show you what you haven’t been able to see. Also, thank God for the kind of friends who pray for you and who love you enough to speak the Truth (found in God’s Word) in love to you. If that’s not happening, perhaps you need to humbly invite someone in to do it.
Abused, hurt, and angry dogs bite and growl, shooing away people who love them and care. But broken, wounded, humble ones get rescued and loved.
Remember, God wants to use us for His Glory. Our submission to that precept is the first step.
Here’s a blog article by Leslie Vernick: Anger Has a Short-Term Purpose. This may help you understand the purpose of some kinds of anger and move you on to a healthy solution.
Bitter roots in our souls destroy us. It takes a willingness to look inside to see where we may have made a “vow” against someone. In order to gain freedom, we must renounce and repent of that attitude and those words in order to free ourselves from our binding past. Demonic forces gain entrance into our souls through the promises we make. Just as Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit come in upon invitation and confession of our sins, these dark spirits gain entrance through our inner vows of hatred for someone. If we proclaim that we hate someone, these enemies of mankind will be sure to act upon our vows and deliver the goods to keep us bound to our promises. Lying spirits help us along in keeping unholy vows.
Has someone hurt you? Have you vowed to get them back in some way? This is not a wise way to handle hurt and offense. Instead, why not choose freedom? To do so, you will need to repent and renounce the vow you’ve made. When you free yourself in this way, you open the doors to God’s healing of your soul and invite His power to come in. The Holy Spirit is the One who heals and empowers us to walk in a new and holy way, allowing us to love God and others above our natural ability.
Next, find a trusted friend or counselor to talk to about this. Seal your confession and begin solidifying your freedom with God’s Word and good counsel. Allow someone to come alongside you and guide you in your new attitude. Your heart will feel lighter and you will be able to love again.
“See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled” (Hebrews 12:15).
Here are five helpful steps in walking toward freedom:
1) RECOGNIZE that someone has caused you pain and that your response to their sin, or your perception of an offense, will either free you or bind you.
2) RETURN to God if you have allowed the sin of another to cause your relationship with your Heavenly Father to falter. This will involve repenting of anything you have done to distance yourself from Him. You may have been a victim of sin initially, but at some point, you become a perpetrator if you feel you must take vengeance rather than allow God to deal with the individual. Victims can turn into violators if unforgiveness festers.
3) READ God’s Word daily so when temptation comes to react to situations, especially those that involve past pain, you can be freshly reminded of God’s promises to help you overcome wrong feelings. The Holy Spirit renews our minds as we submit to His Word and gives us a new outlook on our situation.
4) REJOICE in the reality that God is faithful to you no matter what you have experienced. He knows the depth of pain you have gone through. Jesus put Himself through the dregs of sins and every imaginable offense so that we would have the opportunity to forgive and be free.
5) REMIND yourself daily that because Christ has forgiven you, you must also forgive others (Col.3:13). Praying for the person who has wronged you helps to develop love in your heart toward them. It’s not because they asked for or deserve forgiveness, rather you’re extending grace to them, as Christ has done for us.
REMEMBER: Think->Do->Feel. Do not let feelings lead you, but God’s Word instead.
Everyone has experienced the pain of hurt in relationships. There is a common expression we hear that says that these experiences will cause us to become bitter or better; it’s true. It takes effort to deal with the wounds or hurts, we have suffered and come out better afterwards. The journey can be long for some; it often depends on the soul care you receive along the way, as well as the openness of your heart to surrender to the Father’s will for you. I know that it is difficult for some because of past experience, and loss of trust, but God is faithful. Are you willing to trust Him to help you?
Here are three common ways that people tend to deal with emotional pain in their lives.
1) We can Internalize
When we take in pain and repress what we feel from another’s actions toward us, it will inevitably produce bitterness within our hearts. These stored up feelings inside the reservoir of our heart (our soul) build up and will at some point explode. No person can contain the growing, ever-increasing, and changing life that hurt harbored will produce. Bitterness, resentment, and unforgiveness will break us down emotionally and physically.
Because of God’s love for us, He will not allow this to continue forever. He will bring situations to us that will press upon this sore spot in order for us to decide to deal with it. Many attempts to cover the wound with poor remedies will only produce various addictions — habitually applying poor solutions to our pain. God offers a solution, a way out; it involves humility and forgiveness, a better way than internalizing pain.
2) We can retaliate
Here we consider who wronged us and the price we will exact from them for the hurt they caused. Retaliation is a vicious circle of pain and misery. No matter how much is hurled back at the offender or others by proxy, it will never satisfy. Eventually, those who choose retaliation as their method of dealing with pain, turn into offenders themselves. They become like the very one whom they have despised so fiercely.
3) We can Forgive
Forgiveness is the only successful way to overcome hurt in our lives. It requires our choosing to do so. Extending forgiveness is painful, but this kind of pain reaps many benefits for everyone involved. It will cost you everything it seems, to forgive but it really involves letting go the the vows you’ve made against someone.
The possibility of true and lasting forgiveness exists for those who have come to know the forgiveness God has offered to us. Those who follow Christ, our supreme example, are given the power by the indwelling work of the Holy Spirit to forgive others. While this may seem impossible initially, with God’s help, and perhaps that of godly counselors, we can find this place of release from our past. Jesus is our greatest example of one who forgave (Luke 23:34[1]).
It is an act of your will to forgive. When you move in the process of saying, “I can’t” to opening the door of possibility to realizing, “I won’t”, you will begin your journey to being able to consider what God may be doing through your pain. You can arrive at the place of, “I will” and open your heart to God.
By forgiving we release the offender into God’s Hands (and possibly civil authorities) for justice to be served and consequences to be walked through. God is the only One who can rightly deal with any of us. He is the rightful authority over all of life; each life was created by Him. He has set in order by His Word (the Bible) how we are to handle the situations we face, and we are responsible for dealing with ourselves and allowing God to deal with others as He sees fit.
Fear can keep us from forgiving based on false assumptions. We can fear that if we forgive we have to return to an abusive situation. Or that we must reconcile with an unchanged person; that would be impossible as reconciliation takes two people. This journey involves steps; please do not let fear keep you from taking the first step. God will be faithful to you, as He has been to me and many others, but you must trust Him.
It costs us something to surrender in this way, but it is the only way to lasting freedom. Do it for yourself first and eventually, you will also find joy in giving your gift to others. God can give you great hope and purpose, and use you as an instrument of His love to others, even your enemies.
[1] Then said Jesus, Father, forgivethem; for they know not what they do…
Have you lost your mind! was the phrase we heard when I was young in response to someone’s expression of a socially unacceptable thought. That would not be a common response today to anyone who may be thinking quite differently than you. Why? Because our whole culture has turned upside-down, it does feel like people have lost their minds. Someone from 50 years ago stepping into our world would think it sheer madness at what is being promoted in society today. What has happened?
Are these terms familiar to you? Intersex, Androgyne, Gender expression, Gender identity, Gender non-conforming, Cross-sexual, Unisexual, Transgender, Bisexual.
Gender Confusion
Abigail Shrier, a well-known American journalist, brought to the forefront through her 2020 book, Irreversible Damage, information about the large number of teenage girls who claim to have gender dysphoria and would like to “transition” to become boys. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for the parents of these girls. This, along with the larger circle of sexual confusion as it relates to gender, makes me think that we have lost our minds. Abigal Shrier speaking on Irreversible Damage
It is sheer madness to think that one can change their gender. Someone can attempt to change their physical bodies to appear like the opposite sex, but that is far different from changing who God created them to be when He formed them in the womb.
Her book may interest you to gain an understanding of how this unusual desire is being propagated in our culture, schools, and universities. Our culture has “canceled” those who oppose these views and if you speak out against these new phenomena, you will be ostracized for it.
Let’s think this through…
We now have teenagers, and younger, being told they can decide what gender they’d like to be. If they “feel” like they have the wrong body, they now are affirmed in this and are encouraged to choose to change their sex.
Much like the birthing of the abortion movement, 50 years ago, the same characters are present. A group of people pushing an agenda of my-body-my-right, onto a culture that has lost its moorings concerning common sense. When we see this manifestation of “choice” we see those who will not acknowledge God as our creator. Instead, they shake their fists in His face and tell him, “We will decide”.
Common Sense
Whatever happened to it? Our senses are so important to functioning well. Recently, I had Covid. I’m thankful that I did not lose my sense of taste and smell, but have friends who did and told me about it. When we are missing one of our senses we are off balance and could end up getting burned, or worse. When common sense is skewed by the influences around us, we can accept as normal something that is very abhorrent and not realize it. Many young people are being swept up in this gender confusion simply because they are taught that it is normal.
Wisdom vs. Foolishness
In Proverbs 1:7 we are told that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. The only way to recover a mind that is tracking down this slippery slope is to turn to God and allow him to renew the mind. His transformative power gives one the ability to change their mind from foolishness to wisdom.
A Pandemic of Sinful Thinking
The foolishness of previous generations has so multiplied that we truly are facing a pandemic of sinful thinking, especially as it pertains to sexuality. It’s not only the younger generation who have lost their way.
I could hardly believe what I was hearing on a popular YouTube channel as this “ministry” couple, about 40 years old, were talking about sex within marriage. (The “parent” ministry of this “child” ministry was someone I had respected for their teaching on marriage). After listening for some time, I realized that they were promoting hedonism under the guise of the marriage covenant. They seem to believe that as long as a Christian is married, there is no shame in the sexual games they play. Using the thought that the marriage bed is undefiled (Hebrews 13:4) and lifting it out of context, they seemed to interpret it to mean anything goes. It was disgraceful to listen to their discussion. With the influence of pornography upon our culture, minds within the “church” have also lost their senses.
Marriage brings two together as one: body, soul, and spirit. Intimacy in sexual union brings a husband and wife face-to-face, looking into the soul of the other. The hormones God created within our bodies are used for bonding; primarily oxytocin in women and vasopressin in men, and are a wonderful gift. Yet, when these powerful hormones are used wrongly, they will become the curse that scripture warns about.
Married couples must evaluate their physical intimacy in light of scripture. If your activity is reminiscent of animals, look out! Many couples have no idea what sexual habituation to pornography does to the brain. Please educate yourself and be careful not to follow the world’s practices and lose out on what God has designed for you.
Go back to the original pattern and recognize that God created who we are, our gender, and He desires for us to find our identity in Him. He has designed a man and woman to be fulfilled sexually within the covenant of marriage, without the influence of porn-induced minds. Common sense tells us how He designed us to come together sexually. The confusion in our culture today concerning sexuality will not end. So, we must learn how to interact and reach out to those struggling with these principles.
Fear is a snare. The only way to overcome the fear of any person (employer, co-worker, father, mother, husband, wife, sister, brother, or child) is to trust in the Lord and fear (reverence) Him. I understand this snare as I have cycled through it many times in my life. God has used various circumstances to show me the way out. He is faithful and will help you out as well if you will come to understand the steps involved and follow the instructions I share here.
Fear is used by the enemy of our souls to keep us from moving forward into an abundant life in Christ. God has provided everything we need to live fully for Him in this world (II Peter 1:3-4.) The Holy Spirit living within us is greater than the spirit in this world (I John 4:4). As we learn to yield everything to God’s Spirit, we become free from the bondage of fear and the enemy’s influence upon our lives.“ For all who are allowing themselves to be led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading again to fear [of God’s judgment], but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons [the Spirit producing sonship] by which we [joyfully] cry, “Abba! Father!” Romans 8:14-15 (AMP)
As God’s adopted children, knowing our position in the Kingdom of God gives us the confidence we need to overcome fear. Remember who your Father is — Creator, Sustainer, and Ruler of heaven and earth! Romans, Chapter 8 declares that as obedient children in God’s family, we can be free from condemnation and live as His own adopted children, available to freely serve our Father as He created us to.
Fear is a major hindrance that binds us from gaining this freedom. Fear comes to us through three main areas: 1) The world—through the fear of man, 2) Our flesh—through condemnation, and 3) Satan—through lying spirits and deception.
The World – the fear of man
”The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever leans on, trusts in, and puts his confidence in the Lord is safe and set on high.” Proverbs 29:25 (AMP)
Hunters lay snares to catch animals… I found this pic of a fearful rabbit as I researched snare hunting. (Oh, it is heart-wrenching to see the pictures… and I am not a hunter.) The Bible tells us the fear of man is a snare, and the outcome of living this way is also heart-distressing! Anxiety, vulnerability, and panic attacks come from fear. Some of my biggest failures in life have been because I feared a person rather than God! An employer, husband, children, or any authority figure became “my god”. When God delivered me from that, those around me were set free to be accountable before God for their actions, and I was set free to worship Him fully!
We are told by Jesus Himself not to fear man. “And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. “ Hebrews 13:6 (KJV)”So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.” Matthew 10:28 (KJV)
Fear carries with it doubt and unbelief. Our fear of failure, or how we are viewed by others, reveals our human nature that is governed by human pride. Human fear, when rooted in pride, will bring defeat. This fear of man reveals whether we are truly trusting (believing) in Christ as our source or in our own abilities. Healthy fear equals reverence toward God, our Maker. The fear of man brings us into bondage and a snare.
Our Flesh — fear through condemnation
The secret to freedom living is to align yourself with Jesus in all you do! Not only does this produce a rewarding, fulfilling life, but it also protects us from sin and condemnation. “Walk in the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh” (Gal. 5:16). Conviction of sin is a precious gift from God. It is the Holy Spirit attempting to lead us into Truth and freedom. Conversely, condemnation comes when we refuse to respond to conviction and continue to walk in sin. We, in essence, are conflicted because we are willfully acting against Truth presented to us by the Spirit of God.
Internal conflict drives people to act in ways that harm themselves and others. A person becomes disillusioned with themselves and attempts to cover this conflict in a variety of ways. The Holy Spirit continues to convict by His love, yet if we continue to indulge in sin, we will continue to experience condemnation, guilt, and discouragement. Yet, all the while freedom awaits us! Jesus said to the woman who had been condemned of adultery, “…Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11). We come out from under condemnation and receive the freedom Christ offers when we choose to turn and “sin no more.”
I John 3:20-21 (AMP) says, “Whenever our hearts in [tormenting] self-accusation make us feel guilty and condemn us. [For we are in God’s hands.] For He is above and greater than our consciences (our hearts), and He knows (perceives and understands) everything [nothing is hidden from Him]. And, beloved, if our consciences (our hearts) do not accuse us [if they do not make us feel guilty and condemn us], we have confidence (complete assurance and boldness) before God.”
So, we must discern the source of condemnation. God already knows it, but we need to see if it is because we are going against the conviction of the Holy Spirit, or if we are facing an external spiritual attack upon us. Knowing God’s Word helps us in assessing this. Conviction is good; it comes because of God’s love and desire for fellowship with us. When we respond rightly to the Holy Spirit, we sense grace, assurance, and His love, which in turn gives us boldness.
God’s Word tells us that as His Children, our position is purchased and kept because of Christ. Our thoughts as to who we are need to be placed upon the Cross of Christ and what He did for us to make us worthy! He is the One who took our sin so that we can come unto the Father. Our soul, redeemed by His precious blood, sets us free, nothing else.
To live victoriously over sin, Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit to guide, direct, and comfort us. Our greatest need is to be filled with the Holy Spirit, fully surrendered to His leadership, and find true joy and usefulness in God’s Kingdom. We then become Adopted and Fearless!
Satan — fear from lying spirits and deception
If we are obeying what we know and walking in open fellowship with God, yet sense condemnation, we can discern that it is coming from the enemy to defeat us and pull us out of the place of victory. Satan uses this as a tool to keep us away from God–falsely! The Father of Lies tries to tell us that we are not worthy of God’s love and care. He can build upon that through deception and uses other people in a variety of ways. People who continue to live under condemnation develop a guilty soul, and the shame pulls them into bondage. The focus then is their shame and guilt, and fear exponentially grows. Anxiety and depression usually accompany this. Freedom and change seem impossible in their situation. Deception has done its work!
The work of Satan and lying spirits is to tempt and deceive us. He attempted this with Jesus Himself (Luke 4:1-13). Concerning fear, spiritual warfare is a battle between truth and lies. And the battle rages strongly within our minds. Satan is the Prince of the power of the air (Ephesians 2:2). To win this battle, we need our position as adopted and fearless children to overcome the wiles of the enemy! You can be safe and protected. But as a good soldier (I Timothy 2:1-5), you need to be willing, trained in, and obedient to the “Manual”, God’s Word. Our weapons and our true enemy are outlined in Ephesians 6:10-19 and II Corinthians 10:3-5. Satan and the fallen angels desire to bind you with fear and aloneness in your battle. He wants to make you an orphan, rejected, and discouraged. But God desires to adopt you, to make you His own, fearless and useful in His Kingdom. He desires that you know the purpose for which He created you, and the destiny He planned for you.
Remember, God’s objective is to fill your life with Himself, use you in His Kingdom, and for His glory, which results in great joy and fulfillment. The objective of God in filling us with the Holy Spirit is to enable us to love as He loves, to walk without fear in this world, and be a witness for Jesus Christ. This lack of fear and abundance of love will allow you to walk as a victor, not a victim, causing you to overcome every circumstance you face. II Timothy 1: 7-8 (AMP) “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control]. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord or about me His prisoner, but with me take your share of suffering for the gospel [continue to preach regardless of the circumstances], in accordance with the power of God [for His power is invincible].” Amen.
Everyone has experienced the pain of hurt in relationships. There is a common expression we hear that says that these experiences will cause us to become bitter or better; it’s true. It takes effort to deal with the wounds or hurts, we have suffered and come out better afterwards. The journey can be long for some; it often depends on the soul care you receive along the way, as well as the openness of your heart to surrender to the Father’s will for you. I know that it is difficult for some because of past experience, and loss of trust, but God is faithful. Are you willing to trust Him to help you?
1) We can Internalize
3) We can Forgive
It costs us something to surrender in this way, but it is the only way to lasting freedom. Do it for yourself first and eventually, you will also find joy in giving your gift to others. God can give you great hope and purpose, and use you as an instrument of His love to others, even your enemies.
Nancy Demary 