Spiritual Direction/Counsel

High Heels on the Rocks

Published on June 27, 2020September 22, 2020 by Nancy DemaryLeave a comment

Picture yourself walking along a rocky shore wearing high heels — almost impossible right? When someone is involved in betrayal or hidden sin of some sort, this is a good way to describe the feelings of those close to them. If you are facing the known or very real possibility that your spouse, a child, or someone else you love, is struggling in an area of habitual sin, I am writing this in order for you to recognize and take active steps that will help you find the remedy for this very difficult situation.

The following thoughts may be familiar to you if you are in a relationship with someone whose heart is bound: “Why is it so difficult to have a conversation of substance? Why does (s)he seem so evasive, unwilling to answer any questions? Why does (s)he twist things and blame me? Why is (s)he so impatient and angry? What’s wrong with me, why am I feeling so frustrated and angry? Why won’t (s)he tell me where (s)he’s been? I feel like I’m going crazy! All (s)he wants to do is watch TV or sit on the computer or cell phone! I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like (s)he is overly controlling of me. I don’t know who I am anymore. What’s happened to us? I’m afraid, why do I feel this constant dread, “ and the list goes on. If you have experienced similar thoughts, and even think you might be going crazy, take heart you are not alone. There may be a good reason for your uncertainty, hyper self-examination, and confusion.

What I am writing about is common enough in the world around us; where addictive behavior has become normalized. But for those who profess a relationship with Jesus Christ, living this way is simply wrong. If you are attending church and experiencing this dynamic, intervention is needed. God’s purpose in saving us is for us to glorify Him and this will not happen in this environment. You will simply be going through the motions; showing up at church with your mask, yet dying inside — not to mention the effects this hypocrisy has upon your children.

Let’s go back to the high heels. When someone checks out of life and into their secret fantasy world it creates a rocky road for those around them. Let me give you a few common markers that should help you discern if someone you care for is involved in habitual sin. Please remember, there’s no need to panic; this situation did not happen overnight. God has a redemptive plan in mind for you and your family, but you must act wisely if you wish to see good come out of destruction.

Here are three markers that indicate a major problem:

1) Vagueness and ambiguity. When you ask “normal” questions and are met with answers that really don’t answer, but deflect, turn it around on you, or skirt the question — beware. Someone living with a secret has to cover and protect and this takes effort. The easiest way to cover one’s tracks and to keep ahead of those close by is to keep things vague or ambiguous. Antonyms for ambiguity are certainty, clarity, clearness. When these are lacking in conversation, and you have to pull teeth to get clear and concise answers to your questions, there is a problem.

2) Blame Shifting. Someone who lives with guilt and shame will, out of necessity, shift the blame somewhere else. This throws the inquiring person into a defensive position — and as in football, you can only advance toward your goal when you have the ball. When someone has a habit of shifting blame to you when asked a legitimate question, you have a power-play going on. The use of diversion is to remove the question from them and shift it toward you. To combat that, stay focused, and speak clearly, directly, and honestly to them about what you are feeling. Also, take a break for the moment so you can regroup. These are skillful patterns and you’ve likely learned to dance in submission to it. Sin and deception, by nature, work together to create an atmosphere of blaming (Gen. 3:12-13). Manipulation and control accompany the blame in order to keep those involved off-balance.

3) Impatience and Anger. This response reveals internal conflict. When someone is living with hidden sin they feel frustrated with themselves, and very much like a failure. When a soul is dealing with shame and guilt, the conflict will be demonstrated. A knee-jerk reaction often occurs when someone gets close to the issue and impatience or ridicule is often used by the offender to control those around them. If the invader’s threat continues, the reaction progresses to anger; then possibly rage and hatred because as sin progresses the bondage grows.

A few practical examples: “Honey, would you like me to pack a lunch for you?” or “Can I make you some breakfast before you head off to work?” Those are simple, kind, questions, right? Well, if one day the answer is appropriate like, “Sure, thank you.” — and another day it’s met with, “Why do you always have to bug me?” or “Why are you so controlling?” or “Can’t you leave me alone!” You have a problem. Depending on the dynamics of the situation and how long this has been going on, you will find yourself wondering, “Why this rotten behavior? What has happened to cause such disdain and this adversarial spirit?“ One day you get a normal response to a routine question, the next day its impatience, anger, and blame. Why? The change from one day to the next can be frightening and confusing. Without understanding the sin, the cycle, the acting out, you may wonder, what’s wrong with me? What did I do? You may become convinced that YOU are the problem — when in reality they are dealing with guilt and you become the scapegoat.

These patterns of unpredictability, vagueness, impatience, and anger, have their root. Use whatever scenario you will, and look for the pattern. While you may be repeatedly blamed for the response you receive, begin to recognize what you are dealing with.

Do not take a victim mentality and give up. You may feel like you are fighting a phantom! It really can be that confusing at times. While this is primarily a “spiritual” battle, it also has physical consequences. Habitual behavior is aided by hormones that rivet the pleasure sensors in the brain; that’s why people have difficulty letting go of their sin. Defense mechanisms are habitual too; they are a part of someone’s life when they live with guilt and shame from their actions.

Note: some habitual sins (addictions) are easier to spot, and can be dealt with before they become deeply embedded in the soul and brain function of the individual. Because lying and manipulation are central to keeping sin hidden, these patterns accompany habituation making it more difficult to detect. While the “user” is deceived, those around them often fall for these manipulative tactics and end up going deeper into the pit of confusion and despair themselves. Sexual sin[1] in particular is most destructive and is growing within churches. Yet, few pastors will speak openly about this particular sin with their congregations, paving the way for help. While there are men’s groups formed to help, often the wives are left ignorant or confused. This failure tends to keep spouses feeling uncomfortable in attempting to get help.

What Can I do?

Climbing that rocky slope in high heels is not easy. I believe a primary reason some never reach out for help is because of the recurring confusion this scenario brings. Because you are already experiencing disrespect, betrayal, and guilt you lack the confidence it takes to move forward.

Many spouses or family members of addicts have experienced the pain of attempting to get help only to regret it. The resulting pent up anger and frustration someone in this situation experiences can make it appear initially (to an inexperienced helper) that you are the source of the problem. While we all have sin issues to deal with, the dynamics of betrayal and abuse feed our frustration. Get help anyway, prolonged abuse causes some to go inward, silent, and recluse. For others, the pressure cooker lid blows and it all comes spewing out. Either response is a common reaction to the inability to be allowed to express your feelings and to be respected as an individual.

Gaining clarity and trying to express yourself takes effort and seems overwhelming because you’ve lived in such a confusing world of turmoil. You’ve changed, you don’t like who you are, your sense of normal is gone and it becomes difficult to express yourself. To be sure, Satan is delighting in all of this confusion. The hidden sin not only affects the one choosing to sin but everyone around them. This is why it is so important to get help. Also, even though the initial sin may have ceased, the behavior associated with protecting that secret is now a deep issue in the heart.

The constant emotional instability eventually breaks down our identity in Christ. Our mind can become clouded and it seems an overwhelming task to confront the real issue. Along with the biblical mandate of submission and respect for authority, there’s enough confusion to keep many quiet. You may even wonder if you have lost out with God and are abandoned. You’re not. You just need a life-saver tossed to you. You will make it if you hold on to the Life-Giver, Jesus, and make the changes needed.

Bringing sin into the light (I John 1:7) is vital. This offers the opportunity for repentance and confession (I John 1:9). Perhaps this has already happened on occasion with this person; you must realize that there is a deep, deep stronghold that comes with habitual sin — especially sexual idolatry. Coming out requires much more than confession and repentance. Intensive restructuring with God’s Word and accountability is mandatory. Don’t agree to just let it ride and become the accountability partner; that will not work.

Freedom, found in Christ, comes from walking in the light and hating sin; we must hate sin as God does. Consistent, honest openness and accountability is required. It takes work. Changing the mind and its patterns concerning what is pleasing to God is vital. Humility is a major factor in overcoming the past, and pride will fight against this all along the way.

Action Steps: If you feel sin is present, don’t allow fear and suspicion to rule your heart. Instead, take steps toward having a conversation about what you are feeling with the one involved (Mt. 18:15-17). If this fails, find one or two to come along and assist you.

In order to prepare yourself:

1) Think biblically: get biblical counsel if you are unable to think this through yourself. Living in High Heels on the Rocks for years will have its effects. The truth presented in love (Eph. 4:15) will be needed to set everyone free, including you.

2) Act, instead of reacting: God’s Word gives action steps that bring hope. Write out what scripture says about your situation. Differentiate truth from thoughts based on the pain you feel.

3) Pray, instead of panicking: In order to trust God through this process you need to pray and gain power over the enemy, who uses fear to derail us. Reacting will not produce righteous fruit.

4) Exercise faith in God: Trust involves believing God. Responding out of your flesh will increase the confusion, which Satan loves to operate in. God offers clarity to those who will trust Him.

5) Ask for help — this is so important! Do not try to handle the situation alone. There are plenty of resources available to you; there are caring people who can help. Start with your pastor, church leadership may need to become involved to enact biblical discipline. Glorifying God, and freeing yourself and those you love are worth it.

Remember, Satan wants to destroy you, your spouse, and your children, but God wants to give you abundant life (John 10:10). Bringing sin into the light is the first step to freedom.

[1] 1 Corinthians 6:18 (KJV) Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

For further help, please go to the Resources Tab.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Stay in Your Own Lane

Published on June 7, 2019December 21, 2019 by Nancy Demary2 Comments

…a continuation of Aspire to Inspire.
Do you know how many grandparents are raising their grandchildren today because they never relinquished control? It is happening for many reasons, but one is because some parents hang onto the control stage way too long. Rather than allowing their children to step out and find their own way, these parents hold on and become surrogates, allowing their adult children to remain immature.

Grandparent, please let go. By crossing the line over into your adult children’s responsibilities, you are actually undermining God’s plan. Our task as grandparents, aunts, and uncles, is to support the parent in their position to govern their home. God has given clear instruction in His Word about proper authority; whether in the home, church or civil government.

Here’s a common example: A child is fussing about a food item the parent has given them. Nothing is wrong with the food, but it’s not the child’s preference at the moment when viewing what someone else is eating and the child makes a scene (in public) about it. I have observed the parent addressing the child about their poor response when a “well-meaning” relative steps in to “help“. Perhaps you have done this yourself.

How is that controlling, you may ask — by the response you direct toward the child. Instead of allowing the parent’s words or actions to stand, you override them with something like, “Oh Honey, would you like ____ instead?” As a “well-meaning” extended-family member who feels uncomfortable with the child’s poor response, you’re inclined to rescue them! STOP! Rather, think about what you’re doing. Instead of respecting the parent’s position and instruction, you go directly to the child, running interference.

Let’s look at what this undermining response does.

1) Disrespects the parent’s position in the child’s life.

2) Inserts confusion into an existing problem. The child has a simple choice before them. By your input, you are increasing rebellious desires and encouraging further confusion in the child’s heart. Rather than training toward obedience to parents, you are reinforcing rebellion.

3) You are building distrust in the child concerning their parent’s authority.

4) You are developing a manipulator and potential addict. Through your actions, you are teaching the child to evade authority (ultimately God’s authority) and to learn to function outside “the law”. You are developing a liar. All children, teens, and adults habituated toward getting their own way end up lying to achieve their desires, whether they recognize it or not.

5) You are supplying your own “need” to be a solver, a giver, a “Grand” parent, as this is more important to you than the child’s true welfare. You may be oblivious to what you’re doing, so please open your heart to what I’m saying. You are essentially feeding an issue in your own heart that needs addressing, and you are undermining your grown son or daughter’s relationship with their child.

The Support Role
Recognize your place and role in the relationship. You can inspire those you influence in a proper way that works toward a pattern of healthy relationship. It is never your place to undermine, even though this can be a temptation. You want to be viewed as a wonderful, nice, kind person, in the eyes of your grandchild, niece, nephew, and the viewing public, but you are actually building walls of offense by indulging in your self-centered desires.

When we undermine those in authority, we are acting out of disobedience to God’s established pattern and His proscribed method. We are inviting failure into the multi-generational relationship. This can be changed once we recognize this in ourselves and humbly receive correction. It doesn’t feel good but it does pay large rewards for everyone.

A note to parents: If this situation with an extended-family member exists, deal with it. Allowing someone else’s authority over your children is vitiating your duty as parents.

Oftentimes as parents you will not work on a solution because you are unwilling to discuss and deal with the situation, but you must. If either one of you is ignoring the problem and bringing confusion into your child-raising, humble yourself and confront one another in love. You are the parents, work this out between yourselves; do not bring further harm to your children or USE the children to display your differences. Develop a united front in your mission; get good counsel so that you do not put your burden upon your children.

Hold your lane so that well-meaning relatives are not tempted to cross over into it and drive your family’s car.

Photo Credit: Canva, Pixabay

Previous article (Part 1: Aspire to Inspire–Grand Parenting Tips)

Hope – We Need It

Published on December 5, 2018April 26, 2020 by Nancy DemaryLeave a comment

Picture yourself in the lowest part of the earth, perhaps at the bottom of a mining shaft, fearful, stuck… but wait, for a few minutes each day the sun hits directly above, just right, and some light from the surface above travels down the hole. Your heart leaps temporarily, “perhaps today I will be rescued from here”. But soon the darkness and hopelessness of your lost condition sweeps in again, you are stuck, alone, in the pit, afraid you’ll never get out; at the same time afraid you’ll be discovered.

This is a glimpse into the soul of one who is stuck in the grip of sin, especially sexual sin – a feeling of no way out, and fear of discovery. Aloneness, darkness, hopelessness prevails; a battle in the mind (heart) so intense that often another fantasy comes creeping up alongside… introducing death as a good option.

Consider for a moment the important words of Jesus to us in John 10:10. The scripture says, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” Jesus made this simple, clear statement. So why do many fantasize with the invitation to die, or give up — that comes from the Enemy, rather than Jesus’ invitation to live?

No FEAR

Some years ago this slogan, NO FEAR, was popularized. No Fear T-shirts were very popular and sometime later the motto was big within the extreme sports world. The idea was to go to the edge, break the limits, and go beyond what you have known or feared. The problem is that without God, people do some pretty drastic things to try and fill the void within; they try unusual things to create a euphoric state of consciousness.

This No Fear mentality has killed many souls, destroyed many relationships, and people who have lived this out have often headed in the wrong direction. Our culture, knowingly or not, takes scriptural ideas and twists them to make it look as though someone who lives on the edge is enlightened in some way. I have personally known young lives snuffed out because they went for the delusion of trying to find fulfillment in self and new cultural ideas apart from God, our Creator.

Jesus made several other simple and clear statements. In Matthew 10:28, He said, “Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” Now that’s a slogan that isn’t repeated too often. Yet, it is Truth and offers the answer on how to live a successful life now, and for all eternity; how to escape the snare of the Enemy, how to avoid ending up in hell for eternity.

Yes, FEAR!

Our Father greatly loves each person He created. And because of that, He offers to rescue us! He gave us a solution to our problems. He gave Jesus, the pure and perfect One, to die in our place, to place our sin upon Him so that we could be free and live an abundant life in Him, without fear.

Appropriate FEAR

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all those who practice it have good understanding. Psalm 111:10

Fearing God is what sets our feet upon the path of wisdom and understanding. There are no problems in life that can be solved permanently apart from God’s wisdom and understanding applied. When we trade away His desires and replace them with our own, we end up in one kind of pit or another. Perhaps your pit is not as deep and dark as the one I described earlier, but we all have places that are dark at various times in life. God has an answer for these times if we will turn to Him for help.

We Need Him

I’ve heard various illustrations over the years of hopelessness and rescue. One of them goes like this: A horse fell into a large dry well, there was no way out, it was hopeless. But then a deliverer came along and carefully began shoveling dirt into the hole until it elevated the horse to a higher and higher level to where, viola! — the horse stepped out on the surface!

Have you been down deep in a pit with no one to help you? Days, weeks, months, and even years have gone by, and it seems you’re destined to stay there forever? No fear! Ask God to send some help your way; become desperate, ask Him to help you, He will. He offers hope to anyone who sees themselves as needing help– choose life, not death. Humble yourself, confess your sin (including all heart idols) to God and see what He does. He is the only deliverer that can give you lasting hope and a changed heart. The scriptures say He will put a new heart within you, and remove your stony heart – He will give you a heart of flesh that can function, feel, and love again! Why not Fear Him and become free?

My prayer for you is Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

There’s HOPE.

God’s Word is the only hope for a mind that has been wired to sin. If you decide to surrender and open your heart to Him, be sure to fill your mind with God’s Word so that you will be successful in your journey. Get involved in a church family where you can grow and give your time and energy in ways that will bless others, instead of hurting them. Pray and ask God to remake your mind (heart) and then do the work of putting God’s Word into your mind daily — soon you will think differently, resulting in new actions that please and glorify God. There is hope!

Our culture is increasingly realizing that with the proliferation of internet availability and it’s usage in the mid-nineties, the lure of sexual sin increased exponentially; sadly, we live among a generation of sexually addicted souls. Some folks seem unaware of the dilemma we face or would rather avoid it. And the church is not exempt; among men, statistics indicate 65% are struggling with sexual sin, for women over 25%. For specific details, please go to the Covenant Eyes website to become further educated.

While there seems to be a growing number of men’s groups within the church to address the sexual idolatry problem and provide help, women in the church are usually left outside the info circle, confused, or avoiding the problem altogether. Husbands must bear the responsibility of talking honestly with their wives about this issue, and women must be willing to acknowledge this condition and learn how to respond without fear.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Action Steps in Response to Sin

Published on December 5, 2018November 8, 2020 by Nancy DemaryLeave a comment

What can I do? This question has faced many. It is very difficult for someone to discover habitual sin that has been hidden. Besides the knife in the heart feeling, and a mind racing with possibilities, it’s important to gain what is promised to us in 2 Timothy 1:7, “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but rather of power, love and a sound mind.” First of all, realize that fear is your enemy and you need to choose to think rightly and get the help of a biblically sound person. Recognize the power of God to help you and allow His love to motivate you toward a godly solution.

When someone sins against you, they first have sinned against God and lived in rebellion to Him. They have failed to worship God and have an ungrateful heart.[1]

Decide to be a tool in God’s Hand to bring sin into the light (I John 1:7), this is vital. This offers the opportunity for repentance and confession (I John 1:9). Perhaps this has already happened on occasion with this person; you must realize that there is a deep, deep stronghold that comes with habitual sin — especially sexual idolatry. Coming out requires much more than confession and repentance, intensive restructuring with God’s Word and accountability is mandatory. Don’t agree to just let it ride and become their monitor; that will not work.

Freedom, found in Christ, comes from walking in the light and hating sin; we must hate sin as God does. Consistent, honest openness and accountability with another party is required. It takes work. Changing the mind and its patterns concerning what is pleasing to God is vital. Humility is a major factor in overcoming the past, and pride will fight against this all along the way.

In order to prepare yourself:

1) Think biblically: get biblical counsel if you are unable to think this through yourself. Living in High Heels on the Rocks for years will have its affects. The truth presented in love (Eph. 4:15) will be needed to set everyone free, including you.

2) Act, instead of reacting: God’s Word gives action steps that bring hope. Write out what scripture says about your situation. Differentiate truth from thoughts based in the pain you feel.

3) Pray, instead of panicking: In order to trust God through this process you need to pray and gain power over the enemy, who uses fear to derail us. Reacting will not produce righteous fruit.

4) Exercise faith in God: Trust involves believing God. Responding out of your flesh (feelings) will increase the confusion, which Satan loves to operate in. God offers clarity to those who will trust Him.

5) Ask for help — this is so important! Do not try to handle the situation alone. There are plenty of resources available to you; there are caring people who can help. Start with your pastor, church leadership, or someone trained to help; they may need to become involved to enact biblical discipline. Glorifying God and freeing yourself, and those you love, are worth it.

Remember, Satan wants to destroy you, your spouse, and your children, but God wants to give you abundant life (John 10:10). Bringing sin into the light is the first step to freedom.

[1] Taken from Stuart Scott, The Exemplary Husband (Bemidji, MN: Focus Publishing, Inc. 2000), 287.

To read the complete article go to: High Heels on the Rocks

Broken

Published on November 22, 2018April 19, 2021 by Nancy DemaryLeave a comment

“It felt like my life was laying before me in a thousand pieces…” my friend said, as she recounted what she experienced when she realized she needed God to put it all together again. A poignant picture of the old English nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty. Do you remember it?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, Couldn’t put Humpty together again. That’s right, no human can put us back together. When we come to broken places in our life, only God, our creative designer, can recreate us. If we fail to recognize God, we’ll go around the bend again, and we will have picked up additional substitutions (heart idols) along the away. Eventually, adding all this together, the fall later becomes greater.

Sin has its way of marring the image of God in His creation. We all take on the wear of life and there are reset places along the way that God uses to align us once again with Himself. Not because He is cruel, rather because of His love and mercy He uses our broken places to bring opportunity for wholeness.

I have seen in my life, place where I allowed relationships with other people to come ahead of God. This is a common form of idolatry that is not always easy to recognize. Our Father designed and created us to fellowship with Him first, then with others in order to create wholesome bonds. Relationship with our Creator is what life is all about; it is through our brokenness that we have another opportunity to recognize our need of relating to God.

But how do I relate to a Holy God? He seems so far off and impersonal, even scary sometimes. This was not always been man’s feelings toward God. When God created Adam and Eve they walked in free and open fellowship with the Father. There was no fear, shame, guilt; nothing was between them. But then sin entered (Genesis 3) and their relationship changed.

We are all born under this curse of sin and so we start life out in a strained, separated condition. Once we are old enough to recognize this, we have some choices to make. The Holy Spirit reveals this separation in a variety of ways. That is why it is so important to share the love of God with children so when they realize their sinful propensity, they can find their way to a loving Savior who can bring relief and a lifting from the burden of sin. Jesus makes it possible for us to choose to enter into relationship with our Father through a new birth experience. He talked to Nicodemus about this exchanged life in John Chapter 3. If you’ve not experienced this yet, read there and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal this to you. Jesus took the sins of the world upon Himself so that we could have relationship with God.

Back to the broken pieces; Have you had a major experience of breaking occur in your life? Some of us have had it happen several times, and in various ways. How have you responded? Are you able to see the purpose of God in it or are you angry with Him, still not understanding His love to you.

I have a book by Dwight Carlson, M.D. called, Overcoming Hurts and Anger. In it, he describes the destructive results of unresolved anger in a person. He mentions so many effects, that it makes you want to really examine your heart to be sure you are totally free of any hidden anger. He explains that sometimes people have become so good at denying or suppressing anger they don’t even realize it’s there until the lid blows! It was April of 2014 that my lid blew. A series of events led up to it and wow! it was devastating. It was the beginning of my road to getting help to change some proud, and self-protective patterns in my life.

I spent several months alone, living with various friends who were willing to help me through this awful season of change, grief and loss. At one point I was living at a couple’s summer place, an RV near Lake Champlain. What for some would have been a wonderful summer retreat, was for me a time of deep soul searching. So painful, I despaired of life. I remember the dark, oppressive, thoughts that I battled there day-after-day. I was alone, and determined to allow God to remake me through this devastating time; I was hungry.

This event revealed the very broken person I had become. It took a lot of work and restructuring, lots of love and care by friends and counselors, to remake me into someone who could really receive God’s love and begin to love the way He does. So now, after much surrender and remaking, I can look back and say, “Thank you Lord, for everything.” All the pain, rejection, sorrow and heartache was worth it. He took a vessel that was completely broken and continued to make me into someone that He can now use fully for His purposes.

Be encouraged that no matter what is happening in your life right now, God is at work. You may feel very alone, but if you will turn to Him, receive counsel and care, you will find a path leading to freedom and hope. My life now abounds in hope as Romans 15:13 says, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.”

Perhaps you have tried to read His Word and nothing makes sense. You may need to humble yourself and allow someone to help you. Become vulnerable and see how beautifully God meets you there. He will take your broken pieces and put them together in a way that you never imagined He could. But you must acknowledge that you are broken before He can put you back together again.

Photo Credit: Pixabay, Pexels