Heart – Page 3 – Nancy Demary

There’s Room for You

Published on December 21, 2019December 23, 2020 by Nancy Demary1 Comment

As we consider Christmas, I’d like to remind you that there is room for you close to God’s heart. He desires a relationship with us and awaits your reciprocal desire for Him. His extension of love by giving Jesus Christ as our deliverer is the greatest expression of love He could show.

This time of year can feel cruel to many people. A time when love, laughter, and Christmas cheer is promoted, many feel lonely and isolated. There are so many stories that could be shared as to why, yet I’d rather focus on how to remedy this condition.

I received a Christmas card telling of someone dear to me who is facing consequences for their addiction to gambling. It is heartbreaking to see how families of those habituated to some life-dominating problem are drawn into the sad drama of someone else’s poor choices. We feel helpless, and if untaught, victimization can settle in. As a friend or family member, we may want to standby and spectate, or facilitate–further complicating the problem.

DENIAL

What can I do? Step 1 is to stop denying that there is a very real problem that may need some tough love and boundaries placed. You can make a choice for yourself. These good choices can help you get out of God’s way so that the other person can see their need, and this “love” may bring them to the end of their trail. This may sound hurtful but it works similarly to the process of salvation with God. Until someone comes to the end of their human abilities and resources and states “I give up, help me!” they will not become a true believer. When denial ends, then salvation can begin. This soul-transaction only occurs for those who desire it and are desperate enough to humble themselves and cry out to God to save them.

A word of caution concerning boundaries. Boundaries can be misused and turn into a cruel form of punishment if not properly handled. Having a mentor/counselor who can objectively help prevent further complicating issues is a good idea. Boundaries are not to be used to alienate someone, rather they are designed to increase your ability to love one another. A great resource on understanding boundaries are the various boundary books by Henry Cloud & John Townsend. “We do not set boundaries to anesthetize our life, we set them in order to build love, honesty and freedom in our relationships.” ~ Henry Cloud.

DESPERATION

Often times the spouse, family member, or friend of someone struggling in relationships prolongs their own journey toward freedom by not understanding their part in the process. They hold on to offenses rendered and become bound in unforgiveness and possibly contempt. But no matter what offenses have come to you, it is not worth missing out on a relationship with your Heavenly Father, who loves you dearly. I pray that at the apex of your heart’s expression of pain, you will break and fall at His feet and allow Him to help you. That is the entire reason for which Jesus came. Giving you, your family members, friends and all, the possibility of being set free from what is dominating the heart. Inspiration from God is a better choice than desperation.

My own sin keeps me separated from God and others. We are in constant warfare between heaven and earth in the spiritual realm (John 10:10). Can you identify? I truly can. Jesus, while sinless, faced battles with Satan and He told us this would be part of our journey too. Those who’ve been enlightened through God’s Word can recognize this truth. Those who live without knowledge or desire for God are bound and cannot discern why. The angry tumult of the soul affects all people at some point, yet many do not understand what they are experiencing. Receiving forgiveness is needed and then, in turn, forgiving others is necessary; the Holy Spirit will enable you to forgive as you grow in Him.

As a result of the miracle of Christmas, we can truly forgive—and what a powerful miracle that is! Christ’s coming and His subsequent death for our sin, His victorious resurrection back to life, and then giving us the Holy Spirit to live within us makes this all possible.

Anytime we face a difficulty in life it is God’s opportunity to bring us to Himself. Have you found this to be true as well?

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” These words are recorded in John 16:33 and you may wonder what Jesus was really saying. To understand this relationship, we must have a proper perspective and see that we were not created to dwell here alone, but rather in relationship to our true Father now and for eternity. The Father’s desire is closeness and oneness with you; our gift from Him is comfort and peace. He provides everything needed for that to happen, yet so few choose this relationship. Why?

Our fallen nature works against submission to God. We, through self-will and our sin-nature, oppose God. It’s our choice to humble ourselves and walk with Him, and this is contrary to everything we understand from a humanistic perspective. We strive to do this on our terms, by self-effort. This results in someone or something other than God sitting on the throne of our heart and His rightful place is given to another.

DISCOVERY

Our human perspective is to live for ourselves and our own pleasure, naturally. When Christ comes to invade our world, many are offended by that, reject Him, and suffer the consequences; temporal and eternal. But those who will become like a little child and believe that He is who He claimed to be and are willing to humble themselves to receive Him, they gain true abundance in this life. This, in turn, provides freedom from sin, including addictions — which are a false source of comfort or relief.

God’s Word is the primary source from which understanding and oneness with God comes. Anyone struggling with loneliness will find themselves filled with peace once a relationship is developed and the power of God’s Word is applied. It works every time I am tempted toward dwelling in loneliness.

This Christmas, will you Make Room in your heart to receive Him? Are you willing to lay your life down, just as He did for you? The abiding joy He gives, the peace that passes all understanding, and God’s love will overtake the inner turmoil. Pray and ask Him for help you overcome the obstacles in your heart. There is room at the cross for you… will you come?

Photo Credit: Google Images

Music Link: Make Room (feat. Matt Maher) Casting Crowns

Are you Offended?

Published on December 7, 2019October 6, 2025 by Nancy Demary1 Comment

Do you realize that Jesus spoke about offenses because He knew it would be a major obstacle for each one of us? What we do with an offense will determine the strongholds we allow in our lives. Someone experiencing turmoil in their soul will have a trail of crumbs leading to an offense.

Our Attitude, the posture of our heart, is so important when it comes to how we interact with others. Our thoughts determine how we respond to what comes our way. On any given day, we can become offended; it all depends on what’s happening in our souls.

Everyday Offenses
We all have the opportunity to react to people who rub us the wrong way or treat us disrespectfully. If we are not careful, we can develop an offended spirit; everything someone says offends us, we take it personally, and allow it to turn over and over again in our minds. This is the playground of our enemy; Satan loves to bring suspicion, fear, and pride into our hearts.

A freeing place to live is learning to recognize that you can control your thoughts, and what you will allow to control you. Jesus said, “Offenses will come, but woe unto those through whom they come.” (Matthew 18:7)

Contempt
Have you been dealt with contemptuously? Homes with addiction are breeding grounds for contempt. Lying is a given, abuse is common, and scapegoats are necessary – they are created to handle the blame and feelings of shame. The large elephant consuming space, time, and poor relational health is often ignored with the hope that it will just leave; however, it won’t.

Marriage experts John and Julie Gottman, who have conducted extensive research over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability, list contempt as one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in determining factors in marriage failure.

Contempt is not easily understood, and it comes forth in various ways. Disrespect, scoffing, sarcasm, an attitude of indifference, or accusation are traits of a contemptuous heart (Matthew 12:34).

Dan Allender’s book The Wounded Heart gives a good understanding of what contempt is in Chapter 3. He points out: “… contempt serves a person entrapped there in four ways: It diminishes our shame, it deadens our longings, it makes us feel in control, and it distorts the real problem. Contempt is complex and often hard to see. It sometimes masquerades as conviction; other times it seems like righteous indignation.”

SOLUTIONS
STEP 1: Forgiveness – An important step in being successful in dealing with offense is to be able to forgive those who have offended you. It is a journey, and the power of God’s Word at work in your heart is crucial (Hebrews 4:12). His Word has the power to reveal what you need to see, and it will retrain your brain to think rightly and help you to avoid remaining a victim of the circumstance.

Letting go of offense and building good guardrails places us in a steady place of forgiveness. Unless you do this, you will not be able to proceed to step 2 properly. “Forgiveness gives me boundaries because it unhooks me from the hurtful person, and then I can act responsibly and wisely. If I am not forgiving them, I am still in a destructive relationship with them…” – Dr. Henry Cloud

STEP 2: Truth in Love
People who treat others with contempt should be confronted about what they are doing. Share specifically what it is that you are seeing. For someone to work on themselves, they need a clear picture of what they perceive the problem to be. This gives them the choice to take corrective action or not.

When someone treats you with contempt, it is your responsibility to set boundaries and be prepared for the possible consequences. When someone has been accustomed to scapegoating or blaming others and you are no longer available for that, this new approach will likely anger them. Your willingness to confront an issue will be very difficult for them to accept.

If you plan to confront someone about their contempt toward you, it is wise to have support, such as an

accessible pastor or counselor, and a prayer team in place for emotional support before doing so. To go through the process of confrontation is very difficult, and you can easily become overwhelmed and want to give up because of the anger, accusations, and rejection you will suffer.

Along with the ensuing attack from those you confront, you will also face a tremendous battle from Hell. Satan does not want people freed from offense – that is his trap and deceptive way of holding them captive. This is why, before confronting sin, you need to examine yourself so you are free of these things yourself. Walking in the Light (I John 1:7) and having your heart cleansed by Christ is crucial. Our attempt must be in a Christ-like manner. Even though we fall short of His precise actions, do not let that keep you from bringing clarity and potential healing into your situation. Be sure to pray also, as God will soften your heart, and possibly theirs as well. Then they may be willing to receive your words of truth in love with grace to change.

STEP 3: Reconciliation May Not Happen

By ridding offense from your heart, you place yourself in a position to relate in a healthy way. Family relationships are for a lifetime and worth the effort, but it may take time to see change occur. These are the most difficult because of the history and pain involved, and some will choose not to let it go. Patience, caring, and love with boundaries are necessary to endure with stability and strength in God, while each one works out their own heart issues (Philippians 2:12-13).

Is Someone offended at Christ in you?

In John chapters 14, 15, 16, and 17, Jesus has intimate discourse with his beloved disciples (place yourself there as you read). Among other things, Jesus tells His disciples that He is sharing these things so that they will not be offended when someone hates them because of Him.

Jesus went on to tell them they would face persecution and have trouble in this world because they chose to follow Him. Not only did the religious leaders of the day treat believers in Christ with contempt, but the Roman authorities wanted to kill them; their lives were under constant threat. Family members also betrayed them, some because of fear, some because they did not want to obey Christ’s teaching. Some were simply offended with God. Jesus tells us in Matthew 24:10 that many shall be offended and shall betray one another and shall hate one another.

For you, it may be that your family rejects you because of your walk with Christ. Your obedience and love for God will be tested. It can be difficult to stand for Christ and His testimony of life within you. When our family becomes an idol over God, then God cannot be Supreme (Luke 14:26). Your family may want to control your level of commitment to God and despise you for choosing Him over them. Fear is a big motivator when it comes to our family members.

Are they offended at God?

Perhaps they, like Cain, are angry with God. Genesis 4:5-8 tells that story. Sin was crouching at Cain’s door. At times, your godly zeal exposes someone to their own heart of indifference or hatred toward God. Be careful to discern what you are stepping into! We can get caught between an offended person and God or another party. Someone can react to a concern you express with genuine care, and you may find yourself being falsely accused. When this occurs, don’t cower with the fear of man and their spin on your situation, stand firm and remember Jesus said this would happen. Receive encouragement by reading the chapters mentioned in John; read them over and over for a week or two, and see how differently you end up thinking.

When you are experiencing a contemptuous attitude, withdrawing for a season until there is time for reflection and the Holy Spirit to work can be helpful. When I think wrongly or say something inappropriate to someone, the Holy Spirit is faithful to convict me, and I attempt to make it right with them. Be discerning here as well, because you can over-apologize and diminish the work of the Holy Spirit in their life. If you have spoken the truth in love, then stand upon that. Do not waver due to fear and false guilt. Be firmly committed to a godly solution. This is why God’s Word and good counsel are so important for each of us.

What you give your mind to does affect your thinking and your actions, or reactions! Do you need faith? Read God’s Word and get yourself into a position of faith and obedience to God. Psalm 119:165 says Great peace have those who love your law, and nothing shall offend them. Let this be your goal as you commend your soul (mind, will, and emotions) to God.

Recommended Reading:
A great book on handling offense is The Bait of Satan, by John Bevere. The book is loaded with biblical principles to help us mature in this area.

Photo Credit: Google Images, Pixabay

Painful Pasts – Part 2

Published on October 27, 2019April 10, 2024 by Nancy Demary2 Comments

In Part 1, we looked at the importance of holding onto God’s Hand as we walk through the process of healing from a painful past. Here, we’ll look at the importance of a renewed mind in this process. Isaiah 26:3 (ESV) You keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

Heart/Soul/Mind: We are told to love God with all our heart, soul, and mind. So how does someone love God with their mind? How is it possible? We are told in scripture by Jesus himself to do this; and this is how we find the abundant life He offers us (Matt. 22:37).

Our Past: When we suffer from a painful past, something negative has occurred and we find ourselves circling back to that event (consciously or not) because it has lodged within us. Of course, everyone’s past contains both good and bad memories. For some, the bad causes fear, anxiety and often changes the way we interact with others. Can these instances that have harmed us be used somehow by God as a useful tool? Indeed, there are examples in scripture that indicate this. Joseph is a good example of someone who suffered much and was used by God because of his obedience. He delivered his family from starvation, while also teaching them what forgiveness looks like (Read Genesis Chapters 37-50). You too can be used by God as a result of your painful past.

Step 1: Brain Cleansing
In order to overcome our “triggers” and turn them around on our enemy to be used for God’s glory instead, we must renew our mind so that we can think rightly and then act accordingly. His powerful Word is what accomplishes this for us. Perhaps you’ve tried reading it before and you cannot lay hold of what I’m saying or even believe it contains the power to transform your mind. Please believe me, it does, and you will need to explore this for yourself — ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and He will. The more you douse your mind in the inspired Word of God, the more you will think according to your Creator’s design for you. That is when miracles happen! I am a living testimony to the transformative power of God’s Word to do this.

In order for us to rebuild, we need the Holy Spirit to cleanse and refresh our minds, as well as our bodies that have been affected by the constant chemical dumps from stress. Neurologically we need renewal, a shift in the pathway that our brain has been following. Through the hormones and chemicals in our brains, we have laid down some counter-productive ways of dealing with life and we need to lay a new path. You already know this, so now begin to take action to change your brain.

Here are some helpful scriptures on renewing your mind: Luke 12:29-31, Romans 7:21-25, Ephesians 4:22-24, Proverbs 16:3. Journaling scripture and your thoughts help as well.

Step 2: Antidote for Anxiety
Have you suffered from a traumatic event, years of oppression, abuse, manipulation, or something significant that has altered your view of yourself in an unhealthy way? Do you find you become like jelly when you need to express yourself, rather than being able to say what you really feel? Perhaps when you attempt to talk with a person associated with the pain all that comes out is frustration and anger? There’s help for you. It can be difficult to step back and see these behaviors for what they are. Depending on what has occurred and for how long, the fear factor can be overwhelming; trusting again can feel impossible. Many fall into sinful lifestyles after these events, not because they want to, but because they feel incapable of overcoming these feelings.

If you have not truly experienced salvation through Jesus Christ, then this is the beginning of your journey to freedom. Next, renewing your mind in God’s Word daily and obeying what it says, is how you gain the Holy Spirit’s authority and power within. You are no longer simply a human being living your life alone, vulnerable in this world, rather through redemption, you are transformed into a Child of God. You receive family benefits (and a powerful elder Brother named Jesus) from this transaction, but you must learn how to lay hold of these gifts. They are there for you, and you need to realize that and appropriate them.

Look up these scriptures on fear and apply them to your life – they are part of the family benefit package: 2Timothy 1:7, Hebrews 12:28 & 13:6, 2Peter 1:3-4, 1John 4:18-21, Psalm 56:10-13 (the Psalms are filled with passages about not fearing people). These are just a few samples, there are many more. Advance your mission and search!

Step 3: Remove Double-mindedness
I am thankful that people cared and reached out to help me during my early days of recovery and much double-mindedness! They carefully walked me out of the prison cell I was living in. It did not happen overnight and God led me to various people who helped. The trauma was deep and there were layers of conditioning and painful places that needed to be dealt with. I was very fearful and filled with anxiety about many things. This fear manifested in pride and an overly self-protective attitude and left me in a very double-minded condition emotionally.

One example of fear I experienced early was going through the process of counseling with a couple who were trying to help me. Their focus was marriage counseling in order to work toward reconciliation. I later realized that this situation was premature and in my thinking I was being asked to trust an untrustworthy person. I felt vulnerable and was constantly battling between my position in-Christ as His child and submission to this person who had dealt treacherously with me. I realized later that sin needed to be brought into the light, acknowledgment of the secrets involved was needed (confession), and a reasonable determination if true repentance occurred was needed. With out exploring if godly sorrow (2Cor. 7:9-11) over one’s sin was occurring vs. the sorrow of the world (ie: getting caught), it is not possible to move forward. While going through this experience it seemed impossible to look beyond the person to God because everything remained shrouded in deception and I was stuck there.

If you have been harmed in an ongoing way by someone in habitual sin, the deception and manipulation are very damaging and learning to trust again can be difficult. A counselor who is nouthetic (willing to confront sin) is needful. Covering over sin is never going to produce a good outcome.

In order for you to get a sure footing and move forward, you must know where you are heading, why, and how to get there.

I recently visited West Point Military Academy with a couple of young friends and learned how it is designed to train a cadet to overcome their fears – how parallel this is! If you do not enroll, engage, and strip yourself of doubt and unbelief as to the mission before you, you will not make it. The battle is in one’s mind. If you are going to become free from your painful past, you must decide and act. If you have a divided heart — going back and forth between your feelings and what God says, you will fail. Jesus said in Luke 11:7 that a Kingdom or house (heart) that is divided (vacillating or double-minded), will not stand. So in order to succeed in your endeavor to become free, you must gain a single-minded heart. Helpful scriptures are Luke 5:22, Hebrews 4:12, and James 1:8.

PRAY: Talk to your Father in Heaven as Jesus taught us in Matthew 6:9-13. You may find reading these few verses with a surrendered heart can ignite your mind into greater vision! Think about what Jesus is saying here:
1. You have a Holy and loving Father (that is established throughout scripture).
2. As you surrender to God’s will, He performs it through you (an opportunity to glorify Him).
3. He gives daily to those who ask Him (seek Him).
4. He forgives all your sins, and we are to do the same to those who have harmed us (yes, it’s a process).
5. Evil is all around, ask Him to deliver you from it and recognize that living in His Kingdom enables you to lay hold of His power and live for His glory (there’s no better way to live).

Victory and freedom boil down to your commitment to wanting to experience healing from your past. It takes singleness of mind and heart to do so.

Scripture Study: I encourage you to daily have a physical Bible that you can write and highlight in. There are also useful on-line helps to do word studies: A simple way is through: biblegateway.com A more detailed way (including Hebrew and Greek) is through blueletterbible.com, they also offer Bible Study courses.

If you find it difficult to study on your own then I suggest asking a godly mentor or biblical counselor to walk the path with you. If you do not have someone you know that can help, pray, ask around, and commit to the journey — you will not regret it. Our teacher and comforter, the Holy Spirit, miraculously takes the inspired words of God and transforms our minds (hearts) through the process of reading, hearing and apply His Word. I can tell you that there is no greater power to transform and lift a heart from pain to promise than the powerful Word of God. He has miraculously transformed my mind and does so daily. Hallelujah!

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Relates Part 1 and Forgive & Live! Part 3

Painful Pasts

Published on October 19, 2019November 13, 2019 by Nancy Demary9 Comments

If you have lived through a very painful past then you are able to understand how exhausting and emotionally dark it can be to recount these experiences… you feel the pain and turmoil all over again — as though you have purposely gone back for more. Who would want to do that to themselves? That is why many never come to healing because they fear the process – but you do not have to.

I recently had a taste of this experience upon my visit home to Wisconsin. After several days into my visit, I scheduled a day to go and visit several friends from the past. I had not previously taken the opportunity to tell some of the details of my recent journey and felt free to share more of my story during this visit. All went well with these friends and I enjoyed my time, but that night in my sleep a floodgate of pain poured into my soul. Upon waking, I felt like I had lost the victorious ground I’d gained – like I had traveled back to a very broken place in my climb; what happened? This experience caused me to think about why this occurred.

When we re-enter the large room of our painful past and relive it, that doesn’t mean we are still there. It may feel that way momentarily, but what we do with these feelings will determine how we think. We can choose to restructure our minds and return to the place of peace God has given or continue ruminating upon the feelings that have resurfaced.

Many face fear when thinking of their past, and so leaving it alone is the solution they choose; yet God has a better way. In my view, if you are not holding tightly to God’s healing hand and being guided by the power His Word offers, it is a fearful and dangerous proposition to regurgitate the past. Hope and healing that proceed from your Creator’s heart is the safest arena from which to process the painful experiences you’ve lived through.

Truthfully acknowledging that we have suffered is honest and right to do. Bringing into the light all that is darkness (or sin) is needful (I John 1:7). Forgiving our offender is necessary (Matt 6:14-15) and is a process that we want to pursue; a good counselor/mentor can help with that. Allow God to set things straight (Romans 12:19). Healing from the wounds is God’s will and if you desire that, it can happen — that’s is God’s specialty.

I’m thankful our hearts and minds can be powerfully renewed and rebuilt through the Holy Spirit’s work in us. Sharing our testimony about what God has done for us is good. When Jesus Christ suffered and died for sin, He offered the possibility for us to gain freedom from our past. This includes sin we have committed as well as those committed against us. Jesus suffered the awful price and penalty for our sin on the cross 2000+ years ago, we are now left to respond to this great gift He offers. How we appropriate His sacrifice for sin will determine our freedom and healing, or not.

If you are struggling concerning the pain of your past, through poor decisions made and/or violations committed against you, I hope this helps you in your climb to freedom. God’s plan is to recover and deliver you from destruction. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy us, but Jesus said He came to give us abundant life! (John 10:10).

There is hope for you! No matter what your journey has been, remember God can redeem it and give you great purpose in your future because of it.

This is part 1 of a 2 part message. We will look at the steps to recovery and deliverance from the pain in the next message.

1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Romans 12:19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.

John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Continue to Part 2

The Poison of Porn

Published on October 5, 2019October 13, 2019 by Nancy DemaryLeave a comment

Listen to the Program (Recorded)

October 10, 2019 The Poison of Porn

Pornography is shattering marriages, families and even churches. To highlight this danger, Jim began by mentioning a story from LifesiteNews.com. It mentions that in 2016, people watched more than an accumulated 500,000 years of pornography through a particular site. That’s roughly 12 porn videos for every man, woman and child on planet earth. They also reported that the number one top viewed video on that site had 7 million views in one given week.

Joining Jim to discuss this topic was Nancy Demary. Nancy is a certified lay biblical counselor involved in discipling, mentoring and counseling. She is the former director of Citizens for Decency Through Law to help those impacted by pornography.

It used to be that porn was confined to the pages of magazines behind a store counter. It’s not that way anymore. As Nancy pointed out, pornography has exploded, has become pandemic and is everywhere.

She also explained that Satan is looking to steal, kill and destroy human life. On the other hand, Jesus came to pay an incredible debt to spare us from the expense of sin. This means there’s always hope because God has provided the way of escape from such sin.

Nancy believes we need to present the beauty of sex to our children the way God created it. It’s a gift to us within God’s boundaries. In that context there are the physical hormones that bind a man and woman like a mother is bound to her infant through the nursing experience. In the same way, a husband and wife are bound together for life through the sexual relationship. Step outside of those boundaries and you are inviting in that which wasn’t intended and we thwart God’s beautiful gift.

How does Nancy feel pornography is impacting the church? Is there a physical component that causes porn to become habit forming? What help does the Bible provide on this issue to help people break free? These questions and more, as well as comments from listeners, are part of this important discussion. (VCY America)