Author: Nancy Demary

Picture yourself walking along a rocky shore wearing high heels — almost impossible, right? When someone is involved in betrayal or hidden sin of some sort, this is a good way to describe the feelings of someone close to them.

If you are facing the known or very real possibility that your spouse, a child, or someone else you love is struggling in an area of habitual sin, I am writing this for you to recognize and take active steps that will help you find the remedy for this tough situation.

The following thoughts may be familiar to you if you are in a relationship with someone whose heart is bound: “Why is it so difficult to have a conversation of substance? Why does (s)he seem so evasive, unwilling to answer any questions? Why does (s)he twist things and blame me? Why is (s)he so impatient and angry? What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling so frustrated and angry? Why won’t (s)he tell me where (s)he’s been? I feel like I’m going crazy! All (s)he wants to do is watch TV or sit on the computer or cell phone! I feel so alone and isolated. I feel like (s)he is overly controlling of me. I don’t know who I am anymore. What’s happened to us? I’m afraid, why do I feel this constant dread? “ and the list goes on. If you have experienced similar thoughts and even think you might be going crazy, take heart, you are not alone. There may be a good reason for your uncertainty, hyper self-examination, and confusion.

What I am writing about is common enough in the world around us, where addictive behavior has become normalized. But for those who profess a relationship with Jesus Christ, we have possibilities beyond ourselves and human effort. God’s purpose in saving us is for us to glorify Him, and this will not happen in this environment. You will simply be going through the motions, showing up at church with your mask, yet dying inside — not to mention the effects this hypocrisy has upon your children.

Let’s go back to the high heels. When someone checks out of life and into their secret fantasy world, it creates a rocky road for those around them.

Let me give you a few common markers that should help you discern if someone you care for is involved in habitual sin. And remember, there’s no need to panic; this situation did not happen overnight. God has a redemptive plan in mind for you and your family, but you must act wisely if you wish to see good come out of destruction.

Here are three markers that indicate a major problem:

1) Vagueness and ambiguity. When you ask “normal” questions and are met with answers that really don’t answer, but deflect, turn it around on you, or skirt the question — beware.

Someone living with a secret has to cover and protect, and this takes effort. The easiest way to cover one’s tracks and to keep ahead of those close by is to keep things vague or ambiguous. Antonyms for ambiguity are certainty, clarity, and clearness. When these are lacking in conversation, and you have to pull teeth to get clear and concise answers to your questions, there is a problem.

2) Blame Shifting. Someone who lives with guilt and shame will, out of necessity, shift the blame somewhere else.

Shifting blame throws the inquiring person into a defensive position — and as in football, you can only advance toward your goal when you have the ball. When someone has a habit of shifting blame to you when asked a legitimate question, you have a power play going on. The use of diversion is to remove the question from them and shift it toward you. To combat this, stay focused and speak clearly, directly, and honestly to them about what you are feeling. Also, take a break for the moment so you can regroup.

These are skillful patterns, and you’ve likely learned to dance in submission to them. Sin and deception, by nature, work together to create an atmosphere of blaming (Gen. 3:12-13). Manipulation and control accompany the blame to keep those involved off-balance.

3) Impatience and Anger. This response reveals internal conflict. When someone is living with hidden sin, they feel frustrated with themselves and very much like a failure. When a soul is dealing with shame and guilt, the conflict will be demonstrated. A knee-jerk reaction often occurs when someone gets close to the issue, and impatience or ridicule is often used by the offender to control those around them. If the invader’s threat continues, the reaction progresses to anger; then possibly rage and hatred, because as sin progresses, the bondage grows.

A few practical examples: “Honey, would you like me to pack a lunch for you?” or “Can I make you some breakfast before you head off to work?” Those are simple, kind questions, right? Well, if one day the answer is appropriate like, “Sure, thank you,” and another day it’s met with, “Why do you always have to bug me?” or “Why are you so controlling?” or “Can’t you leave me alone!” You have a problem. Depending on the dynamics of the situation and how long this has been going on, you will find yourself wondering, “Why this rotten behavior? What has happened to cause such disdain and this adversarial spirit?“ One day, you get a normal response to a routine question, the next day, it’s impatience, anger, and blame. Why? The change from one day to the next can be frightening and confusing.

Without understanding the sin, the cycle, the acting out, you may wonder, What’s wrong with me? What did I do? You may become convinced that YOU are the problem, when in reality, they are dealing with guilt, and you become the scapegoat.

These patterns of unpredictability, vagueness, impatience, and anger have their root. Use whatever scenario you will, and look for the pattern. While you may be repeatedly blamed for the response you receive, begin to recognize what you are dealing with.

Whatever you do, please do not become a victim and give up. You may feel like you are fighting a phantom! It really can be that confusing at times.

While this is primarily a “spiritual” battle, it also has physical consequences. Habitual behavior is aided by hormones that rivet the pleasure sensors in the brain; that’s why people have difficulty letting go of their sin. Defense mechanisms are habitual too; they are a part of someone’s life when they live with guilt and shame.

Note: Some habitual sins (addictions) are easier to spot and can be dealt with before they become deeply embedded in the soul and brain function of the individual. Because lying and manipulation are central to keeping sin hidden, these patterns accompany habituation, making it more difficult to detect.

While the “user” is deceived, those around them often fall for these manipulative tactics and end up going deeper into the pit of confusion and despair themselves. Sexual sin[1] in particular is most destructive and is present within churches. Yet, few pastors will speak openly about this particular sin with their congregations, paving the way for help. While there are men’s groups formed to help, often the wives are left ignorant or confused. This failure tends to keep spouses feeling uncomfortable in attempting to get help.

What Can I do?

Climbing that rocky slope in high heels is not easy. I believe a primary reason some never reach out for help is because of the recurring confusion this scenario brings. Because you are already experiencing disrespect, betrayal, and guilt, you lack the confidence it takes to move forward.

Many spouses or family members of addicts have experienced the pain of attempting to get help, only to regret it. The resulting pent-up anger and frustration someone in this situation experiences can make it appear initially (to an inexperienced helper) that you are the source of the problem.

While we all have sin issues to deal with, the dynamics of betrayal and abuse feed our frustration. Get help anyway; prolonged abuse causes some to go inward, silent, and reclusive. For others, the pressure cooker lid blows, and it all comes spewing out. Either response is a common reaction to the inability to be allowed to express your feelings and to be respected as an individual.

Gaining clarity and trying to express yourself takes effort and seems overwhelming because you’ve lived in such a confusing world of turmoil. You’ve changed, you don’t like who you are, your sense of normal is gone, and it becomes difficult to express yourself.

You can be sure, Satan is delighting in all of this confusion. The hidden sin not only affects the one choosing to sin but also everyone around them. This is why it is so important to get help. Also, even though the initial sin may have ceased, the behavior associated with protecting that secret is now a deep issue in the heart.

The constant emotional instability eventually breaks down our identity in Christ. Our mind can become clouded and it seems an overwhelming task to confront the real issue. Along with the biblical mandate of submission and respect for authority, there’s enough confusion to keep many quiet. You may even wonder if you have lost out with God and are abandoned. You’re not. You just need a life-saver tossed to you. You will make it if you hold on to the Life-Giver, Jesus, and make the changes needed.

Bringing sin into the light (I John 1:7) is vital. This offers the opportunity for repentance and confession (I John 1:9). Perhaps this has already happened on occasion with this person; you must realize that there is a deep, deep stronghold that comes with habitual sin — especially sexual idolatry. Coming out requires much more than confession and repentance. Intensive restructuring with God’s Word and accountability is mandatory. Don’t agree to just let it ride and become the accountability partner; that will not work.

Freedom, found in Christ, comes from walking in the light and hating sin; we must hate sin as God does. Consistent, honest openness and accountability are required. It takes work. Changing the mind and its patterns concerning what is pleasing to God is vital. Humility is a major factor in overcoming the past, and pride will fight against this all along the way.

Action Steps: If you feel sin is present, don’t allow fear and suspicion to rule your heart. Instead, take steps toward having a conversation about what you are feeling with the one involved (Mt. 18:15-17). If this fails, find one or two to come along and assist you.

To prepare yourself:

1) Think biblically: get biblical counsel if you are unable to think this through yourself. Living in High Heels on the Rocks for years will have its effects. The truth presented in love (Eph. 4:15) will be needed to set everyone free, including you.

2) Act, instead of reacting: God’s Word gives action steps that bring hope. Write out what scripture says about your situation. Differentiate truth from thoughts based on the pain you feel.

3) Pray, instead of panicking: To trust God through this process, you need to pray and gain power over the enemy, who uses fear to derail us. Reacting will not produce righteous fruit.

4) Exercise faith in God: Trust involves believing God. Responding out of your flesh will increase the confusion, which Satan loves to operate in. God offers clarity to those who will trust Him.

5) Ask for help — this is so important! Do not try to handle the situation alone. There are plenty of resources available to you; there are caring people who can help. Start with your pastor or church leadership. They may need to become involved to enact biblical discipline. If they do not understand the dynamics I’ve mentioned, add to your circle of helpers someone who does.

Remember, Satan wants to destroy you, your spouse, and your children, but God wants to give you an abundant life (John 10:10). Bringing sin into the light is the first step to freedom. Glorifying God and freeing yourself and those you love is worth it.

[1] 1 Corinthians 6:18 (KJV) Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.

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